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You are
invited to read, and even participate in the dialog below
in which Susan and I address some frequently asked questions
(FAQ's) with regard to partner dancing. As you read our answers,
you will see that we often don't concur. Whether these are
differences between the sexes, or merely personal differences,
I'm not sure. You may agree with one of us, or neither of
us. You may feel entirely different about the subject under
discussion. With that in mind, we have provided you with an
opportunity at the end of each Q & A to express your point
of view. (Your response may be selected and posted for the
benefit of other viewers.)
You can
also visit the Your Views
page to see what other visitors are saying about various topics
and to share your views on other topics.
Susan
and I look forward to hearing what you have to say, so don't
be bashful about sending us your thoughts on these provocative
dance subjects. And please don't forget to answer the survey
question below.
—Craig
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Why
don't men dance?
Craig:
A good question, considering the many advantages associated with
partner dancing. According to Mario Robeau, Jr., champion dance
instructor, "Dancing is an amazing activity. You can go up
to a gorgeous woman that you've never met before, spend three minutes
touching her virtually anywhere on her body, and she thanks
you for it afterward!"
Mario was,
of course, kidding. However, the social benefits of learning how
to partner dance are so powerful, it is curious as to why more men
don't dance. Part of the problem is cultural. In America, dancing
is not seen as particularly masculine. Compare that to many Latin
cultures where dancing is actually macho, and presto, you have a
much higher percentage of male dancers.
When we men
do finally come to our senses and realize the benefits of dance,
we face some real obstacles. I address these in my book, Three Minutes
of Intimacy, showing men (and women) how to overcome these obstacles
and experience the myriad benefits of touch dancing. And if you
think I'm exaggerating those benefits, ask Susan. Be careful, however,
guys. She's rather possessive when it comes to men who can dance
well.
Susan:
You bet I am, Craig! Good male dancers are a real find and definitely
to be treasured! Ah, the age-old question: "Why don't men dance?"
I believe early in their lives, boys realize girls seem born to
dance. They, themselves, seem born to pummel each other endlessly
and call it sport. Because dancing doesn't feel as natural to boys
as it does to girls, in part because girls mature sooner, they feel
particularly awkward out on the dance floor. Boys reject dance early
on and never look back.. At least not until they recognize what
an incredible effect a man who can dance has on women. After a few
lessons, they learn dance has a definite athletic aspect to it in
terms of stamina, training, precision, execution, teamwork and control.
To men thinking about getting into social dancing, I offer this
advice: Put down the football, put on the dance shoes and prepare
to experience more popularity with women than you ever imagined!
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Can
you really read someone's personality by the way they dance?
Craig:
I could answer this question in one word, but Susan wouldn't let
me get away with it. No, I haven't asked her, and I'm not psychic.
I just know. The same way I know that most women have invisible
antennae that pick up all sorts of signals we men miss completely.
Men are born without antennae, which may explain why we're so fascinated
with stereos and other electronic gadgets. It's the closest we're
ever going to get to possessing our own set of receptors.
You don't believe
me? Listen, I've sat in plenty of diners after the dance and heard
our female counterparts doing the post-mortem. "Did you notice that
Denise is beginning to make her move on Larry?" Me: "What are you
talking about? I didn't see anything different." Them: "Didn't you
pick up on the signals she was sending out?" Me: "What signals?
I was there the whole night. I danced with Denise. I didn't catch
any signals." The women at the table just shake their head in pity.
How can men operate in this world with such limited equipment?
I've since
discovered even the Bible is on their side. Sure, Eve was created
from Adam's rib. But what most of us don't remember is that God
made creatures in ascending order of evolution. I'm telling you,
we are toast!
Perhaps being
able to read someone's personality by the way he or she dances really
is a gender issue. Not only are we men oblivious to most signals,
but also we don't seem to have the type of mind—standard equipment
on females—that memorizes and dissects every word spoken to
us. For example, ever ask a woman who has just gotten off the phone
what she and her girlfriend talked about? I guarantee you, she can
give a thirty-minute explanation of a fifteen-minute conversation,
interpreting every nuance and hidden meaning of their dialog. It's
a little scary to listen to.
Now let's take
the reverse situation. The woman asks us what our friend Joe had
to say on the phone. And what do we reply? "Nothing." They can't
believe what they just heard! It drives them nuts! They think we
respond this way on purpose, but the truth is, we either didn't
think what Joe had to say was all that important or we have forgotten
it.
"Barbara said
she told you that Aunt Clara died! Why didn't you tell me?!" "I
didn't think it was important," I reply. A strange, not pleasant
look begins to cross my partner's face. I flee the room.
At the BBQ
we are hosting, our friend Wendy shows up with her 15 year-old daughter,
who is obviously pregnant. I hear Wendy mentioning to my surprised
partner that she had told me about the situation over the phone
and thought I would have relayed the news. Eyes that remind me of
something from the Exorcist now begin to bore into my head from
my left side. I'm wondering what the big deal is. A year from now,
no one's going to remember the fact that Debbie is pregnant. Well,
let me at least try and make things right. I say brightly, "Joe
called to tell me he just got a new stereo system with 762.3 amps
of power and a distortion of less than 0.000000021%!" See, I can
remember the important things, I think to myself. Both women turn
away from me in disbelief. I don't understand. Did I do something
wrong? Maybe it was 763.2 amps…
Even granting
women the benefit of extraterrestrial-like powers, I have to question
their ability to read our personality when we men are in the beginning
stages of learning to dance. I know that the actress, Shirley MacLaine,
claims, "You can't lie when you dance." and "You can't dance out
of the side of your mouth." But she never had to lead. How often
has my instructor accused me of trying to add beats of music where
they don't exist? Were the women really able to read my personality
when I whispered those magical four words in their ear—slow,
slow, quick, quick?
After we become
more experienced dancers, maybe, just maybe, women can read our
personality. But can men read a woman's personality by the way she
dances? Faggeddabboudditt!
Susan:
Craig has brilliantly grasped the essence of most male-female communication
problems. The simple answer to the question is "yes;" if you're
a female you certainly can read the personality of the person with
whom you're dancing. But contrary to what Craig imagines, this assessment
is not based on voodoo or ESP. Women are just very attuned to body
language, word choice, and tone. For example, when a woman, hoping
to be asked to dance, is sitting at a table and a guy shoves his
palm under her nose and grunts something that sounds vaguely like
"dance," chances are, the woman is not charmed. She senses that
when tripping the light fantastic, this guy's going to get only
as far as the tripping part and then blame her for "throwing him
off count." He seems ungracious, and as women know, ungraciousness
is often a harbinger of ungracefulness. (After all, grace starts
with the invitation to dance.) On the other hand, a gentle touch,
a whispered request for a dance, eye contact, a smile…all these
bespeak a kind, considerate, gentle soul. And if he can dance, great!
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Why
do men take up dancing?
Craig:
Easy. Men take up dancing to meet women. Granted, it may lead to
a much fuller experience than we expected, but 99 percent of us
begin dancing for that reason.
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Why
do women take up dancing?
Susan:
The standard answer would be that women take up dancing for a variety
of reasons: it's good exercise, it's fun, and it's a good way to
meet nice people. But the truth of the matter is this: Inside each
woman there is a Ginger Rogers struggling to get out and dance the
night away! Many of us, including some of the most liberated among
us, were reared with visions of Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty dancing
in our heads. The princess within yearns for expression and social
dancing offers that expression of beauty and grace. What a wonderful
feeling! Dance is magical and makes us feel magical, too!
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How
should a guy ask a woman to dance if she is engaged in a conversation
with another female?
Craig:
Carefully, as I recently found out. Normally at the local dance
clubs, little thought is given when asking someone for a dance,
even if he or she is involved in conversation. But this time, I
didn't know the two women standing together at the edge of the dance
floor, and they didn't know me. I reasoned, however, that this was
a dance club, so they must be there to dance. Nonchalantly, I walked
up and asked if either one of them would like to dance. Even as
I write this, I can hear the female readers saying, "What was he
thinking? How could he have been so stupid?" The response I got
was not pleasant. One of the women gave me a frosty stare and retorted,
"There are two of us. Which one are you asking?" The words hung
like icicles in the air. Eventually I danced with both ladies, but
this unpleasant event has caused me to give additional thought to
this issue. Being naturally considerate, I had sought to avoid hurting
someone's feelings, but the effort backfired. When approaching women
you don't know at a dance, it seems best to ask one or the other
to dance rather than put them both in the awkward position of choosing
who your partner should be. What do you have to say, Susan?
Susan:
I say let this be a lesson to you, Craig! Women want to feel special
and chosen. The "either of you will do" approach seriously undermines
the mood expressed in the single female theme song, "Some Enchanted
Evening."
To increase
his chances of success, a man should watch for the rare moment when
female conversation seems to be ebbing, and the raucous laughter
or nervous tittering--depending on the personality of the woman
he is approaching-- has abated. He should briefly touch his potential
dance partner's arm or shoulder to get her attention and smilingly
say, "Excuse me, would you like to dance?" The smile is important
because it makes it appear as if it's going to be fun and "yes"
would be a good answer. If he wants to seem almost unbearably suave
and charming, he might say earnestly, "Excuse me, I'd really love
to dance with you---would you care to dance?
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How
do women feel about asking a man to dance?
Craig:
Let's ask Susan.
Susan:
Thank you for asking, Craig. In a nutshell, here's how most women
feel about asking a man to dance: nervous, embarrassed, shy, excited,
and possibly drunk. In other words, they feel about the same as
many men do when asking a woman to dance. However, I believe these
emotions have quite different sources, based on gender. Men fear
rejection and looking foolish. Women, with these words of their
mother ringing in their ears, "Girls don't chase boys," fear asking
for a dance will be translated, "I want to bear your children."
Or at least, "Let's have wild sex later!" In other words, many women
are afraid an invitation to dance will be perceived as an invitation
to spend the night. Belonging to a social dance club makes the asking
easier. Strangely enough, so does seeing the man you want to dance
with look a little shy or uncertain himself.
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How
do men feel about being asked to dance?
Craig:
We love it. We consider it a compliment to our dancing ability.
As long as you let the man lead on the dance floor, he won't mind
your asking him to dance with you. After the dance, compliment him
on his ability to lead and he's yours for life. Flattery will get
you on the dance floor every time.
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What
are some major turnoffs when it comes to a dance partner?
Craig:
- Leading—I
know I'm in for a long three minutes when a woman tells me—as
we're walking onto the dance floor—that she's a "really strong
follower." Translation: she wants to lead. Time to break out the
boxing gloves because it's going to be fight; I'm determined to
lead, and so is she.
- Criticism—I'm
asking my partner for a dance, not a dance lesson. Criticism ruins
my concentration, and I begin to second-guess everything I do
for the rest of that dance. We guys have enough on our minds—keeping
on the beat, footwork, and leading. We need all the support we
can get. Don't make it any tougher on us. Remember, we have fragile
egos, at least when it comes to dance.
- Lack
of eye contact—No one likes to dance with a partner who
seems disinterested. Be relaxed and smile. It is fun you're having,
right?
Susan:
Acting as if you're the new Fred Astaire and I'm just too clumsy
to recognize it is a real turnoff. Astaire wanna-bees make up variations
and dances no one else has ever seen and then expect their partner
to follow perfectly. Also, because dancing is a very physical, close
activity, forgetting the deodorant and breath mints can sabotage
the best-laid plans to sweep the ladies off their feet!
P.S. Craig,
if guys know how to lead, they should do it! If you don't, we must!
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How
do you differentiate an invitation to a dance event from a request
for a date?
Craig:
In the absence of fetching rules—a concept introduced by a
dance club in Wisconsin to address this very issue—I would
suggest that if you are looking for someone to accompany you to
a particular dance, you ask him or her to be your dance partner
for the evening. In doing so, you have suggested the role you expect
the person to assume, and you have avoided the term "date." Giving
a lengthy and potentially awkward description of what you don't
want your relationship to be (at least not yet) is no longer necessary.
You have also defined the period of time—one evening. Sharing
of expenses and other nebulous costs directly related to the "event"
may need further clarification.
Susan:
Good answer, Craig, but here's the deal. If I like you and want
to believe you like me, maybe even enough to have a future together,
anytime you ask me out to do anything, it's a date.
And if it's to a dance where you'll be putting your arms around
me, using the convenient but transparent excuse that they're playing
a waltz, you can bet it's a date! If you don't want me to think
that, you need to be sure I know we have a platonic relationship.
Or say, "Do you want to ride together to…?" Or are you planning
on going to…? Do you mind giving me a lift? We women will still
think you subconsciously want us, but we might hold off on planning
the wedding.
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If
you and your partner are not of equal dancing ability, do you prefer
your partner to be more or less skilled than you?
Craig:
Finally, an easy question. If we cannot be of relatively equal ability,
then I prefer she be less skilled. If she is a superior dancer,
then chances are I will not feel comfortable dancing with her. For
some reason, I cannot shake the feeling that my superior partner
is doing penance. The fact that she's making the sign of the cross
as we leave the dance floor explains my qualms. Although dancing
with a really good dancer can be a delightful experience, I am constantly
aware that I cannot lead her as well as she is capable of dancing.
And she cannot help me to dance better. On the other hand, if she
is less skilled, I can, by using a strong lead, help her dance as
gracefully and elegantly as possible. And I am willing to bet that
Susan, for that reason, is going to say she prefers dancing with
a more skilled partner. What do you say, Susan?
Susan:
You do read minds, Craig! Yes, I'd much prefer my partner to be
the better dancer. There's a sense of security with a man who leads
well. A good lead can make a woman look great and guide her through
steps she never imagined she could do. I love learning new steps
from men because it brings out the best in them: the ability to
be patient and encouraging, skillful and humorous. When we put it
all together, it looks and feels great!
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Is
it okay for a woman to ask a male dancer to show her a dance move
on the sideline if he is obviously with a partner? Does she need
to ask his partner for permission?
Craig:
Speaking strictly as a male, I wouldn't have thought it necessary
for someone to ask my female partner's permission before asking
me to show a dance step. However, as part of the research for this
book, I found that many women thought it was appropriate to do so.
In other words, I was wrong.
Susan:
Craig, I have to ask you: "Have you ever seen a cat fight?" Trust
me, it 's not pretty, particularly on the dance floor. Speaking
strictly as a female, I know how territorial, possessive and downright
bitchy we women can be if we feel some strange woman is moving in
on our man (who, of course, is oblivious to what is happening).
On the other hand, if we don't particularly like our partner for
the evening or if the woman asking to learn a few steps poses no
threat, then we women can be incredibly generous and kind. Personally,
depending on my level of interest in my partner and on the flirtatiousness
of the other woman, I would take one of three actions:
- If I realized
I'd made a mistake even accepting a date with the guy, I'd say
"Sure" to her request to have him show her a few steps, then I'd
move to a different table and hope they'd never find me.
- If I really
liked my partner and planned to use every dance to entice and
intrigue him, I'd say, "Sorry, I'm not sharing him this evening!"
- If the asker
seemed genuinely interested in the steps and I didn't feel threatened,
I'd invite her onto a corner of the floor, so I could teach her
the steps. Then she could practice briefly with my partner. I'd
also encourage her to bring her date onto the floor, so he could
learn how to lead the steps.
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What
qualities do men look for in a woman (on and off the dance floor),
in order of importance?
Craig:
Oh, I sense trouble here. Do I have to list them in order of importance?
Ahhggg! Let's see. You mean, besides being a Republican? Okay, here
goes. I can speak for only myself, but this may give women some
idea of what we guys look for.
- Personable
- Likes to
dance
- Intelligent
- Good sense
of humor
- Considerate
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What
qualities do women look for in men (on and off the dance floor),
in order of importance?
Craig:
Don't forget to include financial success, Susan.
Susan:
I'm impressed, Craig, that "attractiveness," or one of its aspects,
isn't on your list! Nor is it on mine. My guess is that both of
us know how greatly dance skill can level the playing field when
it comes to physical attraction. Women will literally stand in line
to dance with a man who looks good on the dance floor. On the street,
they probably wouldn't even notice him. Here's my list of sought-after
qualities (and financial success isn't on it, Craig):
- Kindness
- Great sense
of humor
- Spirituality
- Generosity
- Compassion
- Great sense
of humor
- Honesty
- Intelligence
- Sensitivity
- Great sense
of humor
Each quality
mentioned definitely shows on the dance floor. There, you can't
fake qualities easily because body language gives the truth away!
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Do
you believe dancing has an aphrodisiac quality for women, and if
so, why?
Craig:
Yes. Definitely. Women love to dance. They want to feel attractive,
elegant, and graceful. And any man that can make a woman feel that
way while she is in his arms as they swirl around the dance floor
is going to have one hell of a social life.
Susan:
I agree, Craig. Why don't more men know this and learn to dance?
Social dancing lets women live the dream! You actually agree on
something with a man for three minutes and you move together with
the same purpose: looking graceful and beautiful. Dancing makes
a woman feel attractive, even sexy. Social dancing encourages the
man to showcase his partner. What a turn-on!
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Can
you tell what kind of lover your partner will be by the way he or
she dances?
Craig:
Physical contact is an integral part of touch dancing. I can therefore
quickly tell whether there is any chemistry between us. If there
is, that usually means we are in sync, in all aspects of the word.
And that translates to the romantic possibilities as well. The answer,
in a word, is, "Yes."
Susan:
Yes, a thousand times, yes! When a woman feels that chemistry through
a firm but gentle lead and senses that this man really knows what
he's doing, her mind naturally wanders to being close in other ways.
Demonstrating his consideration by not bulldozing her into crowds
on the dance floor or showing off his own abilities regardless of
her skill level, the man lets the woman know he is sensitive to
his partner's needs and realizes dancing isn't a solo performance---it's
a partnership. Can lovemaking be far behind?
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What
do women like about the social dance setting?
Craig:
The women that I interviewed for my book told me they enjoyed the
safe and comfortable environment associated with social dancing.
It's a low-key way to socialize. There are no other implications
associated with dancing. You can leave at the end of the night without
any expectations other than to be there again next week. Or you
can explore life beyond the dance floor. The choice is yours.
Susan:
The setting for social dancing beats the bar scene hands down. The
whole atmosphere is different. Men are actually there to dance.
What a novel idea! Because this is true, the predatory "vibe" is
not there. In its place is a relaxed, supportive, fun atmosphere
that encourages everyone to dance and enjoy the music and each other's
company. Who knows where that can lead!
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Survey
Question
Can you tell what kind of lover your partner will be by the way
he or she dances? (Please indicate whether you are male or female.)
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